The Worstest Meanie

I've been running on empty. No sleep, no rest during the day, papers being due... and now I have master's program classes to attend in the evenings after I teach all day. I am not at my best, which is probably why today, my students were at their worst.

I have learned that it is I who creates my classroom environment. I am the one who has control of the mood and can produce an atmosphere of peace and cheerfulness. Unfortunately, as I did today, I can also create an atmosphere of loathing and general chaos.

I have not been happy with my students, particularly in my 3rd and 4th periods. I have rules in my classroom and they don't obey them. In fact, they generally love to see me get upset at the fact that they break them. They laugh. If I yell, they laugh. If I give them a lecture, they laugh. If I laugh with them, they laugh. If I am serious, they laugh. I can't discern what they value because they are hiding it all behind these Joker masks; and because of this, they are hard to reach.

I do feel sorry for them. In fact, the other day as I was wasting my seventh day in a row holding them for detention during nutrition (during which, they laughed), a vision came to me. Perhaps it was a vision that I remember from a movie, but it was very clear. I envisioned them in purgatory, where their bodies are buried up to their necks and their heads are bemoaning their cries for help and self-hate. These kids are very sad and angry and they have no outlets, that I am aware of, to release it.... Except for through laughter.

But, at the same time, I don't like their behavior so much that it is affecting the way that I feel about them personally. Sometimes I think I hate them, although I am ashamed to admit it. Because of this, I cannot laugh with them.

So, today the kids were doing their best to not pay any attention to my rules. They came in to class and failed to follow the simplest instructions for the beginning of class, which have been the same instructions every day since the beginning of school: put your homework on your desk and read silently for 10 minutes. None of the students had their homework out when the bell rang. None of them had their reading book. Yet, they were in their seats (I have to be positive about something, right?) But, I forgot the positivity in the moment. I was pissed they forgot my rules. I yelled at them to get their books and their homework out. I think I freaked them out. Actually, I freaked myself out. I was unnaturally loud and stern.

But, you know, they need to change their behavior pattern and I have tried everything else to get them to change. I give positive comments and Hershey's kisses to those who are doing what they are supposed to be doing when the bell rings. I normally ignore their slow reaction to following directions. But, in this particular class, this strategy is working less and less. And it was time to call out the guns.

I regret it though. My reaction basically gave the kids ammunition to disregard anything I had to say for the rest of the day. They didn't listen to anything. And they wouldn't stop talking for even a second for me to give them a direction. So, I stopped. I didn't teach anything. I left in the middle of the lesson and returned to my desk. I started to write notes and document behaviors so that when parents ask why their daughter or son is failing, I have written proof. I wrote a list of parents to call this evening. I made tea in my new coffee pot. I watered my plants. Anything to take my mind off the fact that my kids were being complete assholes.

There were a couple of times that the kids tried to get away with more than just talking-- getting out of their chairs and throwing things to their friends. I stopped that and tried a couple more times to get their attention to no avail. I tried talking sternly. I tried making my timer go off. I tried turning out the lights. I tried speaking with particular students. Didn't work. So, I ignored them.

A handful of students asked if I was going to continue the lesson. At first, I didn't do anything. I just watched the room crumble around me. But, eventually, at the sound of more of them asking for help, I worked individually with these students and let the others screw around.

This continued for an hour.

I was hoping that the kids would get the point that I wasn't going to continue the lesson until they were quiet. I even told them this explicitly, but it didn't work. The kids who were asking me to continue and were quiet had a soft, pleading look in their eyes. I felt like the worstest meanie. Finally, I wrote some independent work on the board and said, "Do this," and returned to my desk. I didn't give them any further direction.

To my surprise, two out of seven groups began to work collaboratively to complete the task. These students were the ones who asked for my help earlier. They took turns reading the story from the book and then worked together to answer the questions I prepared. I got a tiny little high from the sight of it.

Still five groups remained off-task. A few students in the back, at this point, decided to start arguing with each other, which led to one student saying, "Fuck you, shut up." I asked this young girl to leave my room. She had been disturbing the class the entire time anyway and wasn't working, so I figured it was time for her to go. I don't allow cursing in my room to begin with, but many of the kids are testing the boundaries. I really don't like the "f" word though, especially directed at someone. Unfortunately, all my trusty teachers that I use to take kids when they are misbehaving were at an assemby. So, I ended up giving my first referral to the dean today.

I have to admit, if it weren't for those two groups that were on task, I would have completely lost it. In fact, I almost did lose it-- I almost cried. That would have been a catastrophe, a signal that the kids had won.

I have a list of thirty parents to call tonight, so I can't wrap this up as neatly as I would like to. But I'll let you in on a tiny secret: I don't want to go back there tomorrow. But I have to-- and I better do it with a smile this time.